The greatest story ever posted

A modern retelling of the Christmas story by comedy writer Paul Kerensa

This is the Natwivity. The Nativitiktok. The Gospel according to social media and other clickbait. (Do like and share.)

Mary goes viral

In the time when Herod had a blue tick, Mary was browsing the What’s On in the Galilee Facebook Group. It turned out there was not much on in Galilee, especially in her town of Nazareth.

But having swiped right on a carpenter called Joseph, they resolved to marry. They posted a picture of a ring and were soon flooded with sponsored ads from wedding suppliers.

A Whatsapp pinged from the Angel Gabriel. ‘Mary! DNBA’ (which stands for Do Not Be Afraid) ‘you’re highly favoured with God. You’ll conceive and give birth to a son, and…[more]

Mary clicked to read more. She was to call him Jesus, known as Son of the Most High, whose kingdom would never end.

Mary, as a virgin, had one question. After messages back and forth, Mary learned that the Holy Spirit was to make this happen.

Joseph Wicks

When Joseph learned that Mary was expecting, he decided to separate from her, changing his relationship status to single. Until one day, an angel crashed his Youtube channel of DIY carpentry videos to reassure him this was of the Holy Spirit. Their son would be called Jesus.

Joseph and Mary were wed, adding each other as their Emergency Contacts on their phone: the height of romance. But checking their spam folders, they discovered there was a census. They made their way cross-country to Joseph’s birthplace: Bethlehem.

There was no room on Booking.com, so they found an Airbnb, which turned out to be a stable, though it was advertised as ‘cosy townhouse, full amenities’.

There the baby was born, and wrapped in swaddling clothes.

FaceCrook Messenger

In the hills, shepherds watched their flocks. As they sat on the ground, there was an update from Messenger – ie. an angel.

‘DNBA! Send to all: good tidings of great joy! A Saviour’s born, Christ the Lord, in David’s town.’

The shepherds put St David’s in west Wales into Google Maps. ‘Come back!’ said the angel. ‘Not St David’s. David’s town!’ The angel pointed downhill. ‘There!’

Following the angel’s pointing finger, they saw the stable. And the angel became a multitude, a Zoom screen of voices, singing: ‘Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to those with whom God is pleased.’

The shepherds were amazed – not one of the voices was muted.

The angels returned heavenwards. The shepherds chose to follow this humble Saviour, this champion for peace. Finding the child, they liked and commented and subscribed and shared – far and wide.

Three Wise Bloggers

In the east, wise bloggers wrote on Wordpress of their travels. They had seen a new star in the sky, and chosen to follow it.

They encountered the man with the blue tick, Herod, who followed a path of narcissism and selfishness.

‘King of the Jews?’ Herod said, on hearing the star was leading them to such a person. ‘But I am King of the Jews!’

He had declared himself so, renaming himself on every social media platform.

‘But we’ve come to worship him!’ said one of the wise bloggers…

…which was not so wise, for it caused Herod to comment: ‘When you’ve found this child, enable location settings so that I too may come and worship him.’

This was fake news. IRL, he only worshipped himself.

The wise bloggers followed the star to the house of Mary. They ordered gold, frankincense and myrrh on Amazon Prime, and within the day, it was thrown onto the doorstep. So the bloggers gathered the gifts and presented them to the child with humility and gratitude.

A notification warned them not to tag Herod, so before clicking ‘home’ they changed their privacy settings and blocked him. He was not one to follow.

You of course are free to follow who you wish. To like what’s right, to subscribe to what’s noble, to share what’s good.

Christians share this story – and have done for two thousand years.

Long before the first tweet, long after the last reel, Jesus’ life, ministry and gift of himself has and will continue to be told and held dear. It’s been told around campfires, in books, in films and online. It’s been shouted and whispered, and the echoes of Jesus’ words continue.

It’s the greatest story of the greatest influencer, and he can have an influence on your life too.

Now and forevermore,

Amen/Send.