Abused and Addicted 

Trudy Makepeace talks to Ali Hull about her journey to forgiveness.

Trudy Makepeace had, by any standards, a truly miserable childhood. Starved of love, abused physically, emotionally and sexually, bullied and tormented at both home and school, it is not surprising that she grew up with all sorts of issues. To add to all these issues, her family had little money.

As she grew up, things got worse: ‘Ongoing abuse left me feeling shameful and believing the lie that something was wrong with me, that this was happening because I must be bad on the inside. Because of these violations, wrong ideas were instilled in me regarding love, acceptance, and affection. I began to shut down mentally, developing coping mechanisms to avoid facing reality, yet I was unable to escape feelings of rejection, shame and brokenness.’

And they went on being bad: ‘I started to run, trying to escape the pain I felt on the inside and the challenges in the home, only I never stopped running.’

At first, it seemed nobody in authority was taking any notice. But even when they did, it didn’t make things better.

‘After running away, and then attempting suicide, I finally ending up in care. I saw psychologists and counsellors which only brought increased confusion and intensified my pain. I hated my life and who I was. I battled with eating disorders, hopelessness and guilt.’

Looking for comfort

Inevitably, perhaps, she moved on to other sources of comfort, and these brought their own problems: ‘I found acceptance and solace in the arms of narcotics; they fed my wounded nature, and my life began to spiral out of control. Theft and fraud were a way of making money, and they became my specialty. Getting arrested and spending time in the cells became an occupational hazard. Aged 23, I began to sell my body, making good money until drugs took me to the street corners. Addiction took me to the lowest places, and I would eventually spend six years living on the streets, surfing from street to street, crack house to crack house and squat to squat.’

At last, there was a glimmer of light. ‘Finally, after over 30 attempts to get clean, I came to the realisation that I was unable to change. I could not fix myself. I had given up on me, the world had given up on me, and I was a hopeless mess. Weighing only 5 ½ stone, I collapsed at a project in Bristol, on the brink of death. I was so sick, I gave in to their efforts to get me into a Christian rehabilitation home called “Victory Outreach” (VOUK) in Wales.
‘Whilst I was there, I was taken to a Christian meeting and heard how God loved me, that he sent his son Jesus to die for me, to remove my sin and to give me a fresh start. You did not need to tell me I was a sinner: I knew I was a sinner. I was a liar, a thief, and manipulator and I wanted a fresh start.’

Soon after, however, she was back in prison. This time, she knew she had to turn to the only hope she had left. ‘I was released with one last chance to go back to VOUK. This time I knew I was at the end of myself. After 33 failed attempts to get clean, I had finally lost all hope that I could fix me, that I could change. When I reached that place, my heart became more open to the message and the person of Jesus.’

Coming home

Trudy knew she had to surrender to God completely. Nothing else was going to make a difference. After reading about God’s love, she remembers, ‘I encountered the overwhelming love and presence of God. Knowing I had found the love of a father, only it exceeded that of any earthly father. I got on my knees. This time I fully surrendered my life to Jesus and handed him all my brokenness. In that moment, he took the weight of my sin and shame.

The impact was enormous. ‘I had a clear sense of “coming home.” I experienced overwhelming forgiveness and peace. I never knew how restless and anxious I was until that moment.’

Not only did she feel new on the inside, but what she wanted changed as well: ‘Jesus miraculously took away my desire to use, and to this day I have never had the desire to pick up a needle or a crack pipe or any drug again. Jesus has set me free.’

The changes she experienced didn’t wear off.

‘My relationship with Jesus has radically changed my life. Filled with the Spirit of God, I received boldness and a love for God, a love for people, and my reason for living completely changed. God began to teach me that I was loved and how to love; causing me to see myself and others how he does.’

After doing some training, she became a Support Worker and then the manager of the Victory Outreach home, for five years. ‘I was privileged to be able to bring girls from prison and the streets, and introduce them to the love and life-transforming message of hope found in Jesus.’

Forgiveness

She was able to move on in other ways too: ‘Receiving Christ and knowing his forgiveness in my own life, made it easier to forgive my parents and those who had abused me. I realised that holding onto unforgiveness meant I was holding onto the pain of the past. By forgiving them, I was not saying that what they did was ok, but I was choosing to let go of the pain that had become toxic in my own life. I want to let God be the final Judge. What’s more, having received God’s love in such powerful way, it changed my heart towards them. I saw them differently and I knew, no matter what had happened, God loved them.’

Trudy left school with no qualifications, but, at the age of 43, she gained a degree in Applied Theology. She is now dedicated to bringing hope to other women trapped in the same sort of circumstances that she was. ‘I work as an outreach and evangelism minister in a city church in Bristol, where I lived as an addict. I run a ministry called Street Church which works with the broken and those who are in addiction to bring hope.’

What would she say to anyone reading this who is facing what looks like a hopeless situation? ‘Jesus can take those hopeless situations and turn them around. I learned that Jesus cares, for the hurting, the broken and the poor, when you trust him with those areas. He is able to work all things together for good. He will take the good, the bad and the ugly and he will turn it around for your benefit and the benefit of others. Jesus Christ is a living hope, and that means, when you open your heart to him, he brings hope into all situations and circumstances.’

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